It's been awhile!

So it's been about 50 years since i've been on this thing it seems like! If just been caught up with all shit. I've been really stresse, frustrated and u might say depressed. Last weekend was fun i had a BLAST! Basically going to the football game, Going to the mall with tasha, gus and chris, then to gus's ("suprise") party. But i've also had a lot on my mind lately. Mainly school but also just my common, what i call "Jerry Springer" drama. School in the way of doing well, getting into college etc... We all know i like to go big or go home, and i do NOT want to be a failure at life (one of my bigest fears). I just feel like i've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately or like i feel at times that i'm not putting enough. Yes i realize that this is my SENIOR year and i should be cuttin back a little and college's really look at your Junior year of high school. I'm just that kind of girl that likes to over due it sometimes. Then as far as colleges i'm kind of split between 2 as of now...Dominican University or Columbia College. They are both located in Chicago it's just i'm really REALLY intrested in the both of them. So for example: If i were to get excepted to both i would i have NO IDEA as to which one i should go to.

Now for the whole "Jerry Springer" drama is just buggin me A LOT lately. Meaning that lately i've been missing my cussin reffusly and i still have that voice if not many (friends and shit) saying that "...but she went out with your ex blah blah blah". At times i just really dont care. Then at times i look at it like this: I miss the old days of us talking on the phone for like 5hrs, comin to my house every other weekend etc...I miss my old cousin who i thought was my best friend, sister w/e not who she is today. I pray to go almost everyday that soon she will come around and everything will go back to what it was. Ever since i've read "her side of the story" on her blog i've wanted to talk to her about it. But considering i think she thinks that me and Gus are out to get her she most likely will NOT answer her phone. Sometimes i get really upset at the fact that she always tries to make things right with her used to be friends before even really putting me into consideration. I just wish one day she'll realize how i really felt during everything and we'll just burst out crying saying we love each other. She thinks that this is over a boy when really it's not. In some ways yes, because HE"S the one who did this and brain washed her ass but it's way past him. Honostly, me and HER diserve better! SHIT! at least some1 with some goals in life! DAMN! All in all i wish it would resolve really soon because the holidays are coming up and thats something we would share togethere ALWAYS and i just dont want to be depressed. So i dont know one day i might write her or i just might wait on her, something else i have to think about.

So this weekend is going to be good. So far tonight i went to the movie night at school. Fell asleep and then went off on this one girl. I thought it was funny. HAHA! 2MORROW! is going to be great! It's a party i got invited to it's like some Super Sweet 16 shit! Not even lieing!! So i'll be back on here to tell wats up on that and of course i'm gonna be bringing a camera. Well i'm REALLY tired and i was going to do some prep beutifying tonight but i'll just do it 2morrow morning...BUH BI!

break break down....

So this week has be VERY stressful! I swear last night i almost broke down and started crying because i'm so frustrated and stressed. Between classes, college, ACT's, LAASA and other bull shit...i couldn't take it ne more. Classes meaning that My Ap Art History class, AP Studio Art class, Spanish5, Physics is just wearing me out and im getting frustrated easier. I mean AP Studio Art isn't hard it's just i take the class very VERY seriously and i feel like my ideas arn't strong enough. And college cause i found out that i can't go to my college counselour apt. 2morrow because i have a Trig. test 2morrow and i NEED to talk to her. ACT's because i think i could possibly kill myself if i don't do good on this ACT coming up because i've taken twice already and gotten the same damn score! 18! ANNOYING! LAASA because im trying really hard to be organized and a good leader but i think its my fault cause i'm not askin for much help from other people like i think i should. I have a tenency to do that,lol. And just other tiny shit...And ive been so anxious and dieing for friday to get here it make it just as worse!

Because my Weekend is going to be sooo FIRE!! Okay let me give you the Itenerary!

FRIDAY!!
Okay so STRAIGHT after school me, shyra and ciera are going to get our nails done. Well just me and shyra ciera just taggin along. And then they talkin about goin to the club that night so idk if i might tag a long as well...cause i mean i AM 18!! HELLO! But after nails i gotta leave like right away to pick up my mommy from work cause the big truck gotta go in the shop.

SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! so this is going to be the BEST day! Okay so i kind gotta wake up early because i gotta go all the way to florrisant and drop off my proofs and all that shit and order the actual pictures! Then afterwards i gotta come home drop mom off and probably leave AGAIN to be at the game cause im on the BLUE CREW and i gotta be there early to decorate. So then Supposidly, HOPEFULLY chris and gus are going to the game to! If gus can get out of consessions and chris gets his mom's car. So then they supposed to chyll at my house for a while till tasha gets off work then she's comin over and THEN! Were going to the GALLEY with CARMEN!!! AHHHH I GET TO SEE DAVID!!!! SO EXCITED! So it will probably be a GREAT DAY!

Sunday!!
well after all that excitement Sunday's are my recuperating(sp?!) days and cleaning of course. So most likely i will be on here on Sunday to update you on the weekend plans!! HOLLER!

In My Mind...

Okay so besides school i've had many things on my mind. And most of them are things that i think i shouldnt let get to me ya kno? People think that im this happy person ALL the time. Just because i'm laughing and smiling all the time. So i may not be totally depressed to stop me from laughing but i'm not as happy as every1 makes me out to be. I'm not saying my life is hell, because i know there are people out there who have it 10X worse than me. I think it's mainly stress, frustration etc...Stress coming from school, running a club at school and trying to find a job. Frustration because of just my life in general. My mind is in about 1000 different places and i can't seem to keep them in their place because i'm constantly forgetting something or w/e the reason may be. The reality of being a senior is hitting me after i had a Senior Metting at my school about College Applications, and at that moment i'm like "Damn, in about less than a year i'm on my own." Its shocking. Im dying for a job that is flexible for me. I need money but i also need time for school and such. All of that just makes me stressed out that at times i dont kno what to do.

OH! before i get to detailed and upsetting lets talk about my weekend! Which by the way was way fun. Friday i had a meeting for LAASA so thats where the stress comes in at. But afterwards Me, Erica, Kelly, Brittany and Tink all went in Erica's car,lol and went to the Football game at Duschene. Which by the way is in St. Charles and i dont kno SHIT about St. Charles. So we Mapquest it....AND DOES NOT HELP! We got lost had to get directions from 4 different people, thought we had the right school but turned out we didn't ....So we didn't get to the school till a hour later. We won duh! Well we had better cause i wasn't bout to get lost and we not win. So then saturday morning/afternoon was spent at the LAASA car wash. WORE ME OUT! I almost had to go off on some children but i was wayyy to exauhsted to say ne thing. After all that me, tasha, Gus and Chris hung out and had a mighty good time. Oh so after all that i drop off Chris and on our way out from leaving him i run over a Racoon! OMG! i felt sooo bad. I almost cried. I mean i kno animals get ran over all the time. But i NEVER ran over an animal. And the feel of it once you do so is horrible! What killed me is afterwards i see in my Rear View Mirror the animal still trying to walk away and try to survive knowing it's going to die because of me. I felt sooo bad! ....We came to the conculsion that the Millz mall officially sux! All these gangsters and shit are up there now. Basically it's like another Northwest Plaza. So all of us are going to the Galley. After we hang at my house next weekend. Today nothing interesting, Sunday's are my lazy days.

So back to what i was saying. Frustrated because i felt that when school would start i wouldn't have time to worry about my Jerry Springer situation. It's still here and not going away in the least bit. I mean i realized it was kind of dumb for me to think she was just going to go away and the drama with it considering she is family. And most likely i'm going to hear about her everytime my uncle calls or when my friends that go to her school come up with something. I get pissed because everytime that i go somewhere with gus she comes up in some way shape or form. Like we was at the mall, they met up with this one girl who is friends with the both of Gus and Angela. And they talk about her and shit...kind of like ruined the moment. Their friend brings up how they shouldn't have so much tension between them at least say hi in the hallways because she dosn't like how friends could be like that when in a year or so there going to be gone. I wanted to come out and say soo badly that it's just as worst for FAMILY to be like this for 8 months! 8 freakin MONTHS!! All because of a dick head and her not thinking things threw. IDK situations like these really make me want to invent a time machine and go back a year ago and i say NO instead of yes. Just some kind of change to where things are NOT like this. I HATE havin this burden on my shoulders. I just hope God one day will make things work out make her realize this situation was totally wrong. Because i always look back at how things were between me and her and how i thought we were as tight as anyone could be. No1 could break us apart, especially no guy. I get upset cause i miss her. At time i want to just call her and say i dont care yall going out i just want us to be like b4. But then i KNOW that i can't do that because she's not going to learn anything by doing that. I mean no1 realized how happy i was when we had that talk and when we hung out. I was estatic(sp?)! Then i feel like dirt truly, because she constantly trying to make things right with gus and becca. I feel like she does NOT care and at times i feel like she just does that because i'd probably be the hardest for her to make up with. I've writtin her many times on Myspace about her side of the story, but her page wouldn't let it go threw. They were very thoughtful too...i wasn't just going off and calling her names. I think the internet is just an excuse cowards who do that because they are too afraid to do it in front of their face. I just want things to change SOO bad! But i know it's all in the hands of god. Because i feel horrible it's been like this for sooo long! W/e who knows i might write her another, might not. But not only is this family thing bothering me it's Relatioships. I feel like i'm never going to be in another relationship again. Not just because i havn't gone on a date or havn't gotten any hollas fa real, just because i feel that in my last relationship was such a screw up im going to be that girl thats going to turn down all guys (even good ones) just because of "his" screw up. I want to be in a relationship, but i NEVER want to go threw that again. I've been cheated on, i've been left and i've been used. But i was NEVER used in a way that i was in my last relationship (if you want to call it a relationship). I just hope the next guy that comes into my life is understanding and patient with me. Idk i just know i'm going to be scared in my next relationship and i dont want to be a burden for whoever it may be. But it's getting late and i'm getting kind of depressed talking about this, So i'm going to bed.

School, Life, Weekend...ya kno?!

Okay so my 2nd week a school is over and little by little things get better. Although i might be dropping my Physics class because my teacher just left us! Can u believe that?! I mean like the 2nd class i had with her (only the 3rd day of school) and she's not there. In fact she wont be here for a while. So in the mean time there going to replace her with a Biology teacher! Who is one of my fav. teachers, BUT i dont feel comfortable having a biology teacher teaching me physics. So my plans are to drop it and take Advanced Anatomy and Physiology or maybe just drop it completely and dont take a Science class. I dont want my grade to slip because my teacher (who teaches biology) is getting threw to me. But other than that most of my classes are better and better. AP Art History is cool, Spanish 5 isn't too bad and African American Studies 1 is getting harder because of the reading but it's still a fun class to be in.

So about Wednesday or so my mom talked to these people that she payed 700 dollars for to help me with college and stuff, and turns out California could be a location that i might be going to College. Simply because some schools there offer up 2 75% in financial aid and that is GOOODD!!! Along with 2 of the colleges that im interested in at Chicago. One is extremely high and the other is pretty decent. I kno California is a GREAT place to go for what i want to go into (Fashion Design) but it's SOO expensive and i'm extremely far away from my family. Yes i do have family there; My sister and my Uncle floyd. But the idea that my family is half way across the damn country will get to me OFTEN. But theres plus's and minus's to everthing, in the end i still have to get accepted 1st and THEN work out the post. and neg.

So finding a job is a pain in the ass!! I just filled out like 4 or so, and im turning them in after school Wednesday and if i can't then most DEF. thursday. And if i dont get nothing from these 2 i'm gonna be pissed! Saturday i woke up early because i needed to go to the bank to do a few things and then to go pick up my proofs from my Senior Pix...WHICH BY THE WAY LOOK AWSOME!! Even dad, who wasn't up to the idea of spending like 400 dollars on pix, was excited! HAHA! My fav. thing he said was, "Ya kno u might actually be cute" Yall may think it was harsh but u dont kno my dad, it's deffinately a Charles comment,lol. Gustavo invited me to this Opening to Latino's party but i decided not to go. Sunday i didn't do too much of nothing. Cleaning and the rest of the day was chillin. Monday i woke up kind of early, surpisingly. The rest of the day was spent shopping. Came home and Chilled. So now it is 8:23 PM and i need to study for my AP Art History exam tomorrow and read some Spanish. ADIOS!

SAMMY D