In My Mind...

Okay so besides school i've had many things on my mind. And most of them are things that i think i shouldnt let get to me ya kno? People think that im this happy person ALL the time. Just because i'm laughing and smiling all the time. So i may not be totally depressed to stop me from laughing but i'm not as happy as every1 makes me out to be. I'm not saying my life is hell, because i know there are people out there who have it 10X worse than me. I think it's mainly stress, frustration etc...Stress coming from school, running a club at school and trying to find a job. Frustration because of just my life in general. My mind is in about 1000 different places and i can't seem to keep them in their place because i'm constantly forgetting something or w/e the reason may be. The reality of being a senior is hitting me after i had a Senior Metting at my school about College Applications, and at that moment i'm like "Damn, in about less than a year i'm on my own." Its shocking. Im dying for a job that is flexible for me. I need money but i also need time for school and such. All of that just makes me stressed out that at times i dont kno what to do.

OH! before i get to detailed and upsetting lets talk about my weekend! Which by the way was way fun. Friday i had a meeting for LAASA so thats where the stress comes in at. But afterwards Me, Erica, Kelly, Brittany and Tink all went in Erica's car,lol and went to the Football game at Duschene. Which by the way is in St. Charles and i dont kno SHIT about St. Charles. So we Mapquest it....AND DOES NOT HELP! We got lost had to get directions from 4 different people, thought we had the right school but turned out we didn't ....So we didn't get to the school till a hour later. We won duh! Well we had better cause i wasn't bout to get lost and we not win. So then saturday morning/afternoon was spent at the LAASA car wash. WORE ME OUT! I almost had to go off on some children but i was wayyy to exauhsted to say ne thing. After all that me, tasha, Gus and Chris hung out and had a mighty good time. Oh so after all that i drop off Chris and on our way out from leaving him i run over a Racoon! OMG! i felt sooo bad. I almost cried. I mean i kno animals get ran over all the time. But i NEVER ran over an animal. And the feel of it once you do so is horrible! What killed me is afterwards i see in my Rear View Mirror the animal still trying to walk away and try to survive knowing it's going to die because of me. I felt sooo bad! ....We came to the conculsion that the Millz mall officially sux! All these gangsters and shit are up there now. Basically it's like another Northwest Plaza. So all of us are going to the Galley. After we hang at my house next weekend. Today nothing interesting, Sunday's are my lazy days.

So back to what i was saying. Frustrated because i felt that when school would start i wouldn't have time to worry about my Jerry Springer situation. It's still here and not going away in the least bit. I mean i realized it was kind of dumb for me to think she was just going to go away and the drama with it considering she is family. And most likely i'm going to hear about her everytime my uncle calls or when my friends that go to her school come up with something. I get pissed because everytime that i go somewhere with gus she comes up in some way shape or form. Like we was at the mall, they met up with this one girl who is friends with the both of Gus and Angela. And they talk about her and shit...kind of like ruined the moment. Their friend brings up how they shouldn't have so much tension between them at least say hi in the hallways because she dosn't like how friends could be like that when in a year or so there going to be gone. I wanted to come out and say soo badly that it's just as worst for FAMILY to be like this for 8 months! 8 freakin MONTHS!! All because of a dick head and her not thinking things threw. IDK situations like these really make me want to invent a time machine and go back a year ago and i say NO instead of yes. Just some kind of change to where things are NOT like this. I HATE havin this burden on my shoulders. I just hope God one day will make things work out make her realize this situation was totally wrong. Because i always look back at how things were between me and her and how i thought we were as tight as anyone could be. No1 could break us apart, especially no guy. I get upset cause i miss her. At time i want to just call her and say i dont care yall going out i just want us to be like b4. But then i KNOW that i can't do that because she's not going to learn anything by doing that. I mean no1 realized how happy i was when we had that talk and when we hung out. I was estatic(sp?)! Then i feel like dirt truly, because she constantly trying to make things right with gus and becca. I feel like she does NOT care and at times i feel like she just does that because i'd probably be the hardest for her to make up with. I've writtin her many times on Myspace about her side of the story, but her page wouldn't let it go threw. They were very thoughtful too...i wasn't just going off and calling her names. I think the internet is just an excuse cowards who do that because they are too afraid to do it in front of their face. I just want things to change SOO bad! But i know it's all in the hands of god. Because i feel horrible it's been like this for sooo long! W/e who knows i might write her another, might not. But not only is this family thing bothering me it's Relatioships. I feel like i'm never going to be in another relationship again. Not just because i havn't gone on a date or havn't gotten any hollas fa real, just because i feel that in my last relationship was such a screw up im going to be that girl thats going to turn down all guys (even good ones) just because of "his" screw up. I want to be in a relationship, but i NEVER want to go threw that again. I've been cheated on, i've been left and i've been used. But i was NEVER used in a way that i was in my last relationship (if you want to call it a relationship). I just hope the next guy that comes into my life is understanding and patient with me. Idk i just know i'm going to be scared in my next relationship and i dont want to be a burden for whoever it may be. But it's getting late and i'm getting kind of depressed talking about this, So i'm going to bed.