Spring Break...And more stress

Okay so i'm on day 3 of my spring break, and in my opinion it's not much of a break. I think i've been cleaning everyday since Sunday for about 3-5 hours each day. Afterwards, i'm studying for the ACT's doing 10-20 pages of my book. So in no way is this a break. A break would be me sleeping in(i do that ne way), doing absolutely nothing threw out the day or tending to myself. I've already gotten some cleaning wounds already. I'm hoping 2day will be the last of cleaning, but after that i have to give my dog a bath if it's warm enough and Diego(my car) needs a bath 2. So it just never stops. And my headache's have done nothing but get better. I just have so much on my mind all at once. The ACT's, assignments for school, cleaning, chores, finding a job, drama....it's just all 2 much.

Last night studying for those damn ACT's was alright at first cause it was English workout. And i felt really good about that cause i was learning a lot and felt smart. Then it got to the Math workout and i just started to get frustrated and had to stop in the middle of it cause my headache started. Maybe cause i tried to fit so much into my day...i mean i started cleaning at noon and didnt' stop till 5...break for about 3 hrs and went right into studying. Who knows, im just extremely worried about these ACT's and stressed. I'm hopping to get a 21 for sure. If i do i'm pretty much accepted into LU(lynn university). I realized i'm extremely hard on myself when it comes to my Goals (or Dreams) and accomplishing them. Doing good on these ACT's means getting accepted into that good college and once that happens in my eyes i'm starting my career, my future, everything i ever wanted.

And not only am i worried about the ACT's but also school. I get a grade report from my Chem. teacher in my e-mail and my grade hasn't really moved from that 66%. Since i got a D on that test it kept me at that spot. I was very dissapointed cause i studied hard and believed that i did really well on that test. Not only that class that i'm worried about it's like all of them except for Ind. Study Drawing. I mean Marketing Management is just a hard class. I'm trying really hard to do well in the class. It's just the major project we have i think is rediculous and too time consuming. We work in partners but i'm always lookin at my business class as if it was real life. Since i want to own my own business one day i put everything on myself to get things done. And i realized that i shouldnt cause i also have other classes to worry bout and when i have that business one day thats all i really have to worry about. So there is a difference. This year i've just been extremely hard on myself cause i kno this is my Junior year, my most important year and i work my ass off. I really want to be successful in my life and my future. I want my kids to have a great childhood. I want to be able to repay my parents(mainly mommy) with all they had to do. I don't necessarily want to be like donald trump rich but in the area between upper class and middle class.

I feel that sometimes i try to prepare myself for that time when i become a mother or w/e. I mean all the chores i do and find time for school at the same time. I think i forget that i'm only 17 (but soon to be 18) and should have fun. I mean i do have fun a lot of the times. But i mean i do the things around the house without my parents telling me sometimes because i try to prepare myself for the outside world, to multi-task and get multiple things done at one time. My mother also does this 2 me...to prepare for the outside world. And i see that i'm more strict with that cause i see that i have 1 more year and i COULD be by myself. And she has prepared me with this ever since i was 7 learnng how to cook. And i guess you could say that i'm realizing that i have only 1 year here to prepare and possibly out to Florida to live by myself. I think i kno another reason why i wnt to go to college out of state cause i want to see if i can do it. After all this preparing my mother and i have done, i want to see if i'm able. They say when most kids go out of state for college come back home. I honestly think i wont. A lot of those kids have been babied all their lives. Yes i'm spoiled but i think i'm ready. I'm not going to lie and say i wont miss my family. OFCOURSE! i will.

This job thing is really pissing me off. I swear i've put applications in everywhere. No1 likes me. And i think i've just become realy picky with jobs 2. O well i'm still wanting to work at Scrubs and Beyond...but we will see about that.

Right now i'm feeling that Karma is coming back on me. Even tho in my eyes i' havn't done ne thing evil. IDK, she's just worked out things with her friends that she fucked up with...but hasn't even tried with me. I mean so she says that she's tried twice on the Internet. But she's called the other 2 and made things right and with one, was straight up begging. Idk, i guess i just fee like dirt and dont' feel as special as i did when we were like sisters. You would think that i would be the first on her list. I'm just really frustrated with all of this. Cause i miss her but i also can't ignore what she did. I mean there has been nights where i'm crying cause i miss her and i'm crying cause what she did. I'm just confused. I'm thinking sometime this week or weekend (depending if i go over gus's this week) i'm gonna go visit my g-ma to see if she can point me in the right direction. At this point i've just tried to be really strong right now and be the tough cookie. But at this point i want to burst!...Into tears. I've held in the frustration for 3 months and i need to let it out. But i go back to thursday and look at what a great day that was to hear from that old friend and to hear that apology from him. Well now that i got a lot of things off my chest, i'm gonna go CLEAN! WOO HOO!!! So till some more things erk me....

Confused and Weak,
Sam